To Whom Do You Promise?

The other day Tracy asked me, “When you do something, are you thinking what the other person is going to think of you?” She was specifically asking (in the context of our conversation) if I think what she is going to think of me: will she think I’m sexy, kind, smart, etc? I didn’t think twice before saying, “No.”

Of course there are always parts of us that crave and love the recognition of what we have done (especially if it was for someone else), and there is no doubt that we do the things we do out of our desire to be seen a certain way by loved ones, colleagues, friends, or society. There is something purely gratifying about the external props we get for a job well done. But that is exactly what it becomes, a job when we do things for the praise from others. A job is a transaction, a condition – do this and get that. Fulfill this promise, get a reward: praise, compliment, recognition. “When we live for the fame, we die with the blame,” as my teacher used to say.

When we make our promises to someone (or something) now we are obligated to them, not for our self but for the other. For instance marriage, we make a vow to the other, but really the vow should be to our self. When we make the promise to the other person we feel contracted to fulfill it and when we do, dammit, we want some recognition that we just lived up to our end of the bargain. We stop making the promises to ourselves and are only living other’s promises. We end up needing to be seen, to be praised, to be confirmed by someone other than our self. It becomes an endless cycle of samsara – conditioned experience where everything we are is based on the transaction of life. Life just becomes work.

So when Tracy asked me the question and I answer, “No,” what I said was I do things to make myself the best person, not for the other person. What will make me better will most likely end up being better for the other person or people, animals, universe, but the motivation comes from within. That is I make my promises to myself, and by keeping them I’m truly fulfilled not just gratified by the outcome. It certainly is not easy, but try it. What if the promises you have made so far and the ones you're continuing (and promises can be the same as the actions or choices you make) switches from being for someone, to your self? The odds that you will keep them and grow them and be more fulfilled in the things you are doing will increase greatly, and that will make everyone around you see you more. You will be both confirmed by others, but more importantly you will be affirming your self. Now that is a promise worth keeping!