Tracy and Donna talk the talk

I am happy to share with you the conversation that Donna and I shared with each other a few days before the Promiseland began. We interviewed each other. Recorded it. And here is only part of a larger conversation, you know how we can talk . . .

Tracy: Is there a promise you ever made but did not keep?

Donna: (pause). Um.. That’s the thing that I have been really mulling this whole promise thing over, and what it so ironic in this whole Promiseland thing, is that I think promises can kind of suck, because they create boundaries that are not necessary healthy. This is so crazy, but there is this quote that keeps coming into my mind from Mark Twain in Tom Sawyer that speaks to the tune of “why is it that the very act of making a promise makes you so badly want to do what you promised against.” So yes, to answer the question. I have made many promises that I have broken in my life, but I am not necessarily upset about it.

T: I think it is the whole idea of changing our relationship with the word itself.

D: Exactly! I have been thinking about this because here we are set up and excited to do this Promiseland event, and I realize that I do not really like promises so much. We are the only beings on this Earth that has the ability to make a promise. Every other being moves from a more innate, primal place, more instinctive. Promises are a phenomenon of our culture. That is not to say that they shouldn’t be made, but it’s important to know for ourselves from what place in ourselves are we making promises from. So many times I think we make promises to ourselves, to each other because we are afraid of losing something, or not accepting ourselves as we are. Like if you make a promise, or you ask someone to promise something to you, it is because you want comfort in your life. So, if you have this person make a promise to you, you feel safe, you feel comforted and everything is ok. So if that person were to break that promise, they have then betrayed you. The ultimate betrayal. And you become a victim. You set up this paradigm.

I think sometimes we just ask too much of people.

T: We ask too much of ourselves. I think that is where the victimization and unrealistic expectations seep into the mix.

D: I am not saying that we should not make promises, it’s just to me now at this point in my life, when I make a promise, I first want to ask myself is that decision based on a fear of something, or am I doing it to set up a safety of some kind, or can my promise be something that is more positive, more mindful as opposed to I will never do this or that? Circumstances change. Shit happens. People evolve and grow – and all of a sudden you are left with a promise that is no longer relevant – and you are now either the breaker of the promise or the victim of a broken promise.

T: And I think that is why when we came up with this whole idea of an event to affirm our promises we wanted to help influence that first reaction which tends to lean toward the “pressure” of what that would mean in our lives right now. Like when you say “make a promise” it means that I won’t do that anymore, I won’t eat bad food, or I won’t say mean things, or I won’t drink coffee or wine or whatever – but all framed within the confines of a moral boundary. I think the big thing that interests me is to get people to change their approach to something that may otherwise cause great strain, and turn it into a chance to rather infuse their life with something completely appropriate. Optimal.. To add dimension and beauty to their lives in making the choice to promise something that makes sense in their lives, that can even be adapted. Not just to be another thing to add to the list of things that just weigh us down. You know? Then that approach can take that bind of the promise that may feel like it is congesting our lives, and can free us to see what is really doable, realistic and possible. That choice is an important step in the process of us knowing how and why we are motivated to do anything.

D: Especially in our culture. We can be brutal on ourselves. I have been thinking about the promises I want to make for the Promiseland and before I put anything on our wall, or put anything out there in the universe, I want to insure that these will be promises that come out of a desire to bring more beauty into my life. That’s where the whole idea of asking if we can be thoughtful, and mindful in the way we speak about each other or other people came into the fray (part of SYJ’s community promise is to be aware of gossip) – to sit back and make more beauty in the world – make the world more beautiful, by consciously speaking beauty.

D: Do you think we should even make promises?

T: That is a hard question. Yeah, I do. I love what is in the word promise. I think it is an inherently positive idea. It is a “pro.” It is for something. I don’t look at it as something our lives should lack. I think it is important to make commitments in life, because if we never did then I don’t think we would get far. There are many things that are worth committing to. If I can just expand the idea that the promise is not going to be something that is going to put more pressure on myself. We are always putting that pressure on ourselves – that is in fact, the easier more conditioned conversation. Everything about the way we tend to set up our day is this linear list of obligations that we need to fulfill or our day may not seem that worthy or have value. I like to think about promises that will empower my life, motivate and encourage my actions in the most optimal way. I think that is yoga’s goal. I believe that is yoga’s promise.

T: Is there a promise you make everyday?

D: One promise that I try to maintain in my daily relationships is honesty. And that is because of promises I have made in the past that were setting far too many expectations on what was possible for me. So just a promise to know I am coming from an honest place, a genuine place, a real place. And no matter what the challenge is, I pause and ask myself can I move through this in an honest way that is healthy and not hurtful.

D: Are you good at keeping promises?

T: Yes, but I think it is circumstantial. There is something about having a goal that motivates me. It is all based on the desire and the moment. The timing of things. I have certainly intended to keep promises that I suppose I have re-negged on, but I would still consider myself a person who keeps her promise.

D: What are some of your PROMISELAND promises?

T: To tap into my creativity. To write more. I sense it is good timing for that in my life. To see more yoga outside of just a yoga mat so that the metaphor and meaning of the practice can start to trickle and develop into other areas of my life that get so pushed aside. I am going to mark this month as a way to consider that part of myself.

D: So you are planning to write every single day?

T: I think about the beauty of making a promise to myself like that has a lot to do with how it is going to add to my life, improve, and expand my life. It is something I want to say “yes” to. And when you have that attitude, that motivation and with a whole group behind you, I feel excited about accomplishing that. About recommitting myself every day to this promise. Because that is what it takes to keep the promise. No one is going to feel successful if they are going to be pressured by this. So it has to be considered. We have to ask ourselves, what do we want to commit ourselves to daily? Promises can be made with that same knowing and desire that you feel when you step toward the right relationship. That passion and excitement and wonder. That is the point of this event – to re-invigorate everybody to make the commitments that are right and possible for them right now.

D: Absolutely. That’s the most important question, how can we make a promise that can be a healthy and beautiful thing, free from the guilt and restraint and deprivation? And what is the time in your life right now that can help you craft a promise that will truly work beautifully within the landscape of your daily life?

T: I love that question. Yes. It is so much about timing, isn’t it? For some of us the timing might call for you to lighten up a little more this month, things do not have to be so serious and heavy, especially if you tend to be that person that sees life a lot of the time like that. Use this month to take the burden of your expectations off of your shoulders.

D: Or, the opposite – which is using the month to stoke the fire a bit.

For me, just the idea of making promises stirs up a lot of fear and guilt because I can create these crazy expectations on myself. How can I make changes or live in my life that is freeing me up more. That is the way I want to live my life. And it can be scary.

But beautiful and scary.